EXCERPT FROM SURPRISED BY MARRIAGE: A CYNIC'S GUIDE TO BELIEVING IN LOVE
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Best Advice before getting Married
"The more I know of the world, the more I am convinced that I shall never see a man whom I can really love.
I require so much!"
– Sense & Sensibility, Jane Austen
I often wondered if I was too picky. Yet I knew I’d rather remain single than be in a relationship that made me wish I was single. The following advice helped me recognize when my high standards had paid off versus when I was waiting for something too ideal or settling for long-term problems. Most of this information is from expert psychologists and authors rather than family and friends. This advice really stuck with me over time, and most of it is stuff I hadn’t heard before and haven’t heard since.
- Argue as much as possible before you get married. -John Piper, the Ask Pastor John segment of his podcast episode 987 “Don’t Waste Your Engagement”
This made perfect sense once I heard it, but because I naturally avoid conflict, I initially assumed this would be a negative thing in a relationship. However, if you can’t argue well while you’re dating, you won’t suddenly be able to work out all your disagreements once you’re married. This helped me not be afraid to bring up difficult issues. I realized I’d rather deal with them before we’re married. Plus, it helped me see that he cared about things that were bothering me. It showed me that he was willing to deal with the stress and put in the time and effort to work through things that were important to me. It also helped us see that we were capable of working things out pretty well.
2. Ask yourself, “Would I be okay having their personality?” (I believe I heard this on a radio broadcast from either Focus on the Family or Family Life Today.)
They were saying that over time, you do pick up parts of their personality traits, so it better be something you’re okay with. But I also thought it was great advice because if you’re willing to trade personalities with them, you probably have a deep respect and admiration for how they handle life even when it’s different than what you’d do.
If you wouldn’t be okay having their personality, that’s a good signal that they may drive you crazy more than you think and not in a good way. With the way people talk about marriage being so difficult, I figure there’s no need to make it more strenuous. I thought one of the best gifts I could give my husband and future kids is to make sure I find someone who agrees on a lot of the basics.
I’ve heard people say that if you always agree, then one of you is not necessary. For a while I believed that it was such a great truth. But I don’t buy into it as much anymore. Even though we agreed on a lot, there’s still plenty we’ve disagreed about. But also, when you aren’t constantly having to work just to get to a place of agreement, you can accomplish so much more.
Imagine two companies. While one has everyone agreeing to reach the same goal and working together, the other company is trying to reach the same goal, but half the people don’t believe it can be done. With the first company, disagreements may occur, but in the end it only makes the results better because of the multiple views that are challenged and tested until a great one is settled on. It usually means it has been more thought-out and adjustments made to improve it.
Whereas in the other company, the goal is pursued half-heartedly. Ideas may be shot down without any alternative suggestion for moving forward. Responses are just a distraction that slows down progress.
3. Ask yourself if your concerns about getting married are because of who the person you’re planning to marry is or if it’s just because you’re nervous about marriage in general. Is it because of their character or just all the unknown and commitment and responsibilities surrounding marriage? -Google article
This test by therapist Jennifer Gauvain, co-author of “How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy,” can help you determine if your jitters are something to be concerned about:
You are feeling nervous about your wedding. Which of the following best describes the source of your concerns?
a. Planning the wedding and reception
b. Giving up my life as a single person
c. Giving up my life as a single person and the stress of planning the wedding and reception
d. My relationship with my fiance
If you answered ‘a,’ ‘b’ or ‘c,’ you probably just have jitters. If you answered ‘d,’ you probably have cold feet. Consider this: If you could walk away right now and cancel the wedding, free of fear, guilt, embarrassment and a loss of money, would you do it? If you would, then this is not just normal pre-wedding jitters.
I was so overwhelmed and preoccupied by wedding planning, that I felt like I was too distracted to make a good decision. What if we were moving too fast?
“If it’s pretty clearly doomed before it begins, maybe a relatively small inconvenience now will help prevent a more financially and emotionally costly mess in the future,” clinical psychologist Ryan Howes told The Huffington Post. “Seek counsel and guidance first, of course, but until you make your public vows of unity, you can and should be thinking of what’s in your best interest.”
“If your concerns are more so about your compatibility with your future spouse, you should take this seriously. Have you worked together through the important questions? Have you gone on a compatibility revealing road trip together? Most of the time, past behavior predicts future behavior, so could you handle it if your partner stayed the same throughout your marriage, or are you hoping for a significant change? Spoiler alert: spontaneous major changes don’t often happen. If you have solid answers to the tough questions, and have made your decision from an informed place, you’ve done the best you can.” ― Ryan Howes, clinical psychologist
Months before our wedding, I did a quick internet search on what to do if you had cold feet about getting married. I was too nervous to talk to anyone about it. I didn’t want to freak them out. I would’ve done the search sooner if I’d known how helpful it would turn out to be. It was so easy to know that my fears had nothing to do with Tyler’s character. If anything, my concern was that I wasn’t good enough for him, and I’d ruin his life.
It was a relief to find out how common it is to question such an important decision. And I never questioned it again once I realized that the article was right. I had no need to be concerned that my nervousness was a red flag.
Yet if there’s any doubt in your mind about the character of your fiance, this is your chance to slow down. It’s not too late to back out of an engagement. The small embarrassment now will save you and everyone involved a lot of heartache later. Let me be clear that I’m not saying your fiance has to be perfect. Do people with good character do terrible things? Yes. But they make it right. They fight their vices. And they admit to them, but they don’t brag about them. Most of all, they don’t manipulate. They let you judge for yourself. They let you choose.
4. If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy married. Learn to be content with where you are while working to get where you want to be.
I heard this one so much that it seems pointless to include it. However, it helped me even while I was single, and it’s important to discuss why this one is so helpful. Instead of thinking, “Well, I’ll be happy one day when I get married,” this helped me learn to be happy in the present.
One of the reasons I often thought marriage was so terrible is because I was listening to all the pessimists who got married. I heard people complain about being single a ton, but I just thought they were crazy because I knew from experience that it’s awesome. When people complained about marriage, though, I assumed they were right because I had no experience to contradict it.
Your level of happiness doesn’t really change when you get married. What did change was the things I have to be happy about. Maybe I used to be happy about staying up late reading a book by myself. Now I’m happy about having someone read to me for a few minutes before bed. I mean, I was super happy being single. There were circumstances both big and small over the years that I really did not enjoy, but my overall satisfaction with being single was very high.
The same is true for marriage. I’m super happy, and I love my husband. There are so many great things that I get to experience because of it big and small. But there are still outside circumstances that affect us both in negative ways. That doesn’t mean our marriage is bad, though. Thankfully, we both realized from being single for so long that there were certain things in our control. If we didn’t like it, we could change it. Then there were other things that weren’t in our control, but we could learn to deal with them and not let them ruin us. We’re able to handle situations in our marriage with a similar awareness.
5. One of the books we read (Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages) talked about a couple who, instead of paying each other back for negative things the other did, they made mutual spoilage a thing in their marriage.
So instead of thinking, “He didn’t do this chore, so I’m not gonna do my chore,” they would think, “Wow, he did all these tasks. I’ll show him! I’m gonna go do my chores and then some!” I haven’t been good at implementing this one, but I love that perspective! I do think of it often, and it keeps me from getting bitter when he forgets something. He works so hard! It’s okay to forget sometimes.
6. Choose three people in advance to be part of your red flag network. If at least two of them strongly advise against the match, get out of that relationship! -Lisa Anderson, on Focus on the Family
Many times, once you end a relationship, it’s easier to see what other people saw. I’m not saying other people should dictate who you marry, but we all know they can sometimes see more clearly from outside the relationship. If you take a break from the relationship only to find you were wrong, there’s still time to make it right. But if you go forward with a bad relationship, it can lead to serious damage. Choose people whose opinions you respect, and who you know want the best for you. I chose my older sister, younger brother, and pastor.
While there’s other advice I’ve found helpful, these were the most critical and unique for me.
It’s okay to require a lot from the person you’re choosing to spend the rest of your life with. They’ll have their own list of things they require of a spouse. In the end, it will make the relationship that much stronger. However, there may be some important things that aren’t on your list. These are things you may not have thought about because they’re qualities you would assume a decent person to have. It can be easy to give someone the benefit of the doubt at first rather than recognizing a behavior as a red flag. That’s why it’s helpful to know the warning signs before you encounter them. This is also where an outside perspective can really help.
A Glimpse of Happy Marriages
What’s a good practice to establish early in the relationship to help make things easier or better for years to come?
My paternal grandmother gave me this advice and it was spot on!
Never do anything the first year of marriage that you don’t plan on doing the rest of your life.
-married 28 years
Lay out expectations. How much time do you want to spend together? What activities do you expect to participate in together (Ex: running errands, cooking and eating meals etc)? Who is going to clean/do yard work/cook/run errands/decorate etc? We decided I would do the inside chores and he would do the outside chores, although we help each other when we can.
We always said divorce was never an option and we decided before getting married to never go to sleep angry or with unsettled issues. And no matter how mad we are, we will always sleep in the same bed. I’ll never send him to the guest bedroom or the couch.
Praying together and being honest about everything. Decide on matters together like jobs, money, plans, schedules.
-married 3 years
Honesty – I believe in being 100% open and up-front as often as possible. It’s easier said than done, but bringing up frustrations and issues (in a non-accusing way) early will eliminate many of the long-term issues that couples split over. That said, both couples need to be on board with this and willing to have tough conversations. The benefit is that it will minimize the uncomfortable encounters and eliminate any awkwardness that may take root later on.
-married 4 years
Listening/understanding (overall empathy for each others’ view point) & Expectations. Don’t be afraid to set them but be willing to compromise on them... example) not all men will talk to you like Channing Tatum in “the Vow” but it doesn’t mean they don’t feel the same.
-married 5 years
Communication! Anytime you feel your needs are not being met, lovingly explain your needs to your partner, being as non-critical as possible.
-married 6 years
Praying together.
-married 7 years
Plan for marriage and not just a wedding! Make a financial plan, discuss family planning, develop strategies for a happy marriage! Good marriage counseling is a must and get some good marriage mentors!
-married 6 years
A routine for almost everything! It takes the guesswork out of the daily grind like cooking, cleaning, etc and alleviates unspoken expectations.
-married 7.5
Including God in the relationship is the best thing for our marriage. We also never use the word divorce, in an argument or even joking. It is not an option for us.
Do not wait for the other person to come to you. If you want something, or are upset about something, go to the other person. Also, be ready to apologize without justification of your actions.
-married 9 years
Treating your spouse like they’re your ally and not your enemy. Not trying to “win” arguments. Doing things for your spouse simply because you love them and not expecting anything in return.
-married 10 years
Budget! Share responsibility. Pay bills together- both parties have an allowance for personal purchases. I highly recommend 3 separate accounts: 1 to share 1 each for personal spending and saving. Both parties need to feel like equals and adults no matter who’s earning the bulk of the money.
No tv in the bedroom.
Find things to do together like reading or hobbies. Plan things to do together like errands and dates. Put your marriage above your relationship with your kids. Be a team- not rivals.
-married 30 years
Trust. Always trust if you can't trust one another then there is no need for marriage.
-married 50 years
Song Recommendation: “I Do” -Colbie Callait
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Surprised by Marriage today!
